I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
