It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
