i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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