Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
