Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
