What a fucking waste of an outfit
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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