i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
worst night to have a conscience
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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