I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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