i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
