I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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