I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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