This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
