last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
