Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
