your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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