my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
