I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
