why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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