I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
