She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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