I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
