fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
