So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
