I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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