I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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