just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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