I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
