i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
