We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
