You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He felt like a one man threesome
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
