There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
