1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
