I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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