Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
