College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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