I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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