would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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