What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
