I'm gonna have a badass scar
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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