I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
