just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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