lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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