I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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