Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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