a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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