im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
