I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
