Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
