Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
