1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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