Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
